Vay yay 2018

My Hater's Guide to the 2020 NFL Season (AFC)

2020.08.09 16:45 grayzee227 My Hater's Guide to the 2020 NFL Season (AFC)

Honestly, in the year of Covid, who even knows if there will be a season. Medical experts such as EDP445 are calling for the season to be cancelled. But let's assume the NFL goes along with it, and we get football in 2020. Here's how I see the AFC playing out:
Buffalo Bills: 2 playoff berths in 3 years… hmm, not bad Buffalol! And the good news persists, as that asshole Tom Brady has finally left the division. You know, the guy who you were 3-32 against. Perhaps now your playoff memories won't involve losing 10-3 to Blake Bortles, and having Booger McFarland tell you to spike the ball on 4th down. Or losing 4 straight Super Bowls.
Miami Dolphins: There’s some optimism in Miami because of head coach Brian Flores, as he led a tire fire team to 5 wins in their last 9 games. And likely thanks to Tua’s injury, you still managed to successfully tank for him! But the question now becomes, can he stay healthy behind a terrible o-line? People have been talking about Miami as a sleeper playoff contender, even though they were fielding a practice squad team last year. Fitzmagic was their leading rusher for God’s sake! So I’d say give it another year before this team is competitive.
New England Patriots: Who the hell knows what to expect this season? With all the Covid opt-outs and Brady being gone, they could easily be in the Trevor Lawrence sweepstakes this year. But can you truly count out Emperor Palpetine? As long as he's this team's coach, and as long as Cam Newton can even somewhat match his form from 4-5 years ago... they might be a playoff team. AGAIN.
New York Jets: As long as this team has Adam Gase at head coach, they’re not going anywhere. Let’s get that much straight. You signed Le’Veon Bell to a $52.5 million contract last year, only to have him average 3.2 yards per carry behind a garbage o-line. With C.J. Mosley's covid opt-out, he has missed practically all of his age 27 and 28 seasons. You traded away Jamal Adams, your other best player on defense, because you basically had to. At least the return was nice. Sam Darnold, you'll be seeing a lot more ghosts in this hellhole.
Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson won MVP last year, which isn't bad for a running back. What was bad was losing 28-12 in the playoffs to the Titans, a 10-point underdog. And although Lamar had a terrible 63.2 passer rating in that game, the team around him collapsed as well. A team with 13 goddamn Pro Bowlers, and quite frankly… they look like they’ve gotten better this offseason. At least on paper. Lamar has a couple years left on that rookie contract. It’s time to put up or shut up.
Cincinnati Bengals: Conglaturation Joe Burrow! Here’s what you get to enjoy now that the Bungles have drafted you… your owner is a notoriously cheap piece of shit! Yay! Your head coach got hired because he held Sean McVay’s jock strap! Your o-line is arguably the league's worst! Having giant question marks at owner, head coach, and o-line does a rookie QB no favors. Something tells me Burrow will have a Carson Palmer-like career where he experiences modest success, but eventually just wants to get the hell out of Cincy.
Cleveland Browns: Dear Baker Mayfield, put up or shut the hell up. He’s been less noisy this offseason, which is already a good sign. Plus, new head coach Kevin Stefanski can’t be any damn worse than Freddie Kitchens. When it comes to Baker, I get that he’s had a head coaching carousel to deal with, due in large part to a terrible owner in Jimmy Haslam. But Baker also has an outstanding offensive supporting cast, especially now that the o-line has been fixed. That defense still has all the talent that we got hyped about in 2019. Can they finally break the playoff drought? I want to buy in, but they're the goddamn Browns!
Pittsburgh Steelers: The optimistic view of the Stillers this offseason typically goes like this, “We went 8-8 last year with terrible QB play! Surely Captain Fat Fuck can lead us back to the playoffs this year!” I’d say pump the breaks. Captain Fat Fuck is 38, and given his injury history, I don’t think he’s going to defy old age like Brady and Brees. Now, the o-line and defense are still great, and say what you want about Mike Tomlin… he can coach. But will this team really compete with the Ravens for the division? I'd say a Wild Card is the best hope.
Houston Texans: Ladies and gentleman, a team that turned a 24-0 lead to a 28-24 deficit by halftime. Fake punt when up 24-7? Must be Bill O'Brien logic. The fans all wanted him out... and that was before he decided to trade away DeAndre Hopkins. For David Johnson and a 2nd round pick! What the fuck?!? As the AFC's 3rd most exciting young QB, Deshaun Watson doesn't deserve this shit. He really doesn't.
Indianapolis Colts: Unlike in the bedroom, Philip Rivers requires protection on the football field. Fortunately for him, he has a much better o-line in Indy than he did with the Chargers last year. But Rivers is 38, and it’s worth questioning whether he can bounce back this year. For what it’s worth, the Colts drafted Philip Rivers a new running back and receiver to work with, and Indy’s defense is talented and young. Playoffs are the expectation this year!
Jacksonville Jaguars: January of 2018. The forgotten lolcow is one quarter away from their first Super Bowl appearance in franchise history. Well, a little more than 2 years later, and all that's left in Sacksonville is Myles Jack and a disgruntled Yannick Ngakoue. We all love Gardner Minshew’s Florida Man persona, but we know deep down he’s not good enough to carry this awful roster. Doug Marrone and Dave Caldwell will likely be fired at the end of the year, as the Jags are the front runners in the Trevor Lawrence sweepstakes.
Tennessee Titans: Will the success be sustained? Is Ryan Tannehill gonna be worth that contract? History suggests probably not. But you have an insane running back in Derrick Henry, and a rock solid o-line and defense. Losing Jack Conklin and Jurrell Casey may hurt, but this roster certainly has plenty of talent. And Mike Vrabel definitely seems like he can coach. Again, the question is whether they build off of 2019, or if they’re tanking in 2 years. Pray you don’t turn into Jacksonville! Or just keep going 9-7 every year… works with the new 7 seed playoff format, I suppose.
Denver Broncos: You’re the trendy team everyone’s picking to break out. Unlike Cleveland, I might be able to comfortably buy in, considering your organization isn’t a dumpster fire. Drew Lock has Courtland Sutton and Jerry Jeudy as receivers, as well as Melvin Gordon and Phillip Lindsay at running back. Pat Shurmur is the new offensive coordinator, and as a Giants fan… that’s where he belongs. That defense ain’t 2015, but it’s looking pretty good. Von Miller and Bradley Chubb are the edge rushers, plus there’s the additions of Jurrell Casey and A.J. Bouye. Don’t disappoint, Donkeys!
Kansas City Chiefs: There’s not much to complain about here. You have the NFL’s best QB, as 2020 proved that defensive coordinators don’t simply “figure out” a freak like Patrick Mahomes. You may have a target on your back this year as the champion, but almost all of your starters from the 2019 season are back. This is the privilege you have before Mahomes starts costing you $40,000,000+ per year. Guys like Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, and Tyrann Mathieu are hungry to repeat. Andy Reid wants his fast food buffet at the White House if Trump gets re-elected.
Las Vegas Raiders: (In the voice of Jon Gruden) Okay, I know this team has made the playoffs once in the last 17 seasons. I know that my QB is severely limited compared to Patty Mahomes, and the Broncos have a more talented team. I know my owner is the poorest in the NFL, and he’s got an even goofier haircut than I do. It’s a drag, isn’t it, man? But y’know what man... we’re in Vegas now! If that doesn’t get your banana all spidery, then I don’t know what will! And we’re gonna honor Al Davis’s commitment to excellence, er… I mean, drafting players with insane 40 times. Henry Ruggs, welcome aboard, man!
Los Angeles Chargers: This team has boatloads of talent, so it’s little wonder they went 12-4 two years ago. The problem was at QB last year, as Philip Rivers truly showed his age. And so the Bolts drafted Justin Herbert to be the heir apparent this year. The question is, will he actually put asses in the seats whenever corona restrictions are lifted? Or will he bring down a really talented roster? The pressure is on whenever Herbert comes in for Tyrod Taylor. He doesn't have an awful roster around him like Burrow and Tua.
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